ISSUE 45

Clyde leaves his parents’ flat, in the suburbs of Mumbai, at sharp 5pm every day. He stands right opposite DMart, staring at the two women employees in his line of view, one scanning the wrists of the customers for temperature and the other tying up their bags with cable ties. Their baggy uniforms fall like tents on their malnourished bodies. The queue is extra long, being a Saturday. He misses his Filipina colleagues from Bahrain. He sends them video call requests whenever he thinks his background is classy enough for an interaction. They mostly ignore him. Sometimes he gets lucky. He always ends the calls with, ‘Don’t forget me’ but he knows they have already forgotten him. He misses their straight hair, red lips, perfumed presence, sing-song voice and soft touch. He was close to one of them, Janice. He has heard she is now friendly with his friend, Derek, who works in accounts.

He sighs and takes a drag from his cigarette. He misses the quiet of Bahrain too. The metro in progress above his head prevents him from thinking. The drilling makes his head ache. It’s been a year and he hasn’t been able to find one peaceful spot. But any place is more peaceful than home. He crushes his cigarette, pulls his mask up and walks ahead. He notices a group of boys playing with the debris of the metro work. Looking at the glee on their faces makes him want to become a child again. He returns home after an hour of strolling and observing people.

He doesn’t expect to bump into Jude, his neighbour, waiting for the lift, ‘Hey hi, what’s up?’

Clyde smiles and says, ‘Hey, nothing much.’

‘I’m going to play in a bit. Wanna join?’ Jude signals to the boys playing football, with his thumb.

‘Uh … oh no. It’s cool,’ Clyde says, wondering what excuse to give when he remembers, ‘My family is coming over actually.’

‘Ah okay,’ Jude presses the lift button, ‘So how are you liking India, man?’

‘It’s good, too noisy,’ he laughs and stuffs his hands into his pockets. He doesn’t want to be seen with Jude as Cedric, his father, will find a way to embarrass him. He thinks of taking the stairs when Jude says, ‘You know there was this guy who used to stay in your flat. He was a painter, very mysterious guy. He would come, go. Sometimes disappear for days.’

The lift arrives. Jude’s phone vibrates. He checks it and smiles, quickly locking his phone. Clyde tries to get a look at it before the screen goes dark but he doesn’t catch anything. He wonders if it’s a sext from his Jude’s girlfriend.

Jude pulls open the lift’s scissor gates, making way for Clyde, who follows, and asks, ‘Oh is it. Why?’

‘Arey this artistic types na. He had this, you know ‘calling’. You like? Painting? Drawing? You are very quiet so I thought maybe artist type,’ Jude says, shutting the gates and pressing the number ‘5’.

Clyde laughs awkwardly, ‘I can’t even draw to save my life ya.’

‘Me too! He showed me some of his paintings but I didn’t understand anything you know. I’m a numbers guy.’

At this, both become silent. Clyde immediately thinks of the question, ‘Boobs or ass kinda guy?’ but he knows he will never ask Jude that. The lift arrives on the fifth floor, Jude adds, ‘What about football? You must be playing na, there in Bahrain?’ shutting the gates after Clyde steps out.

Clyde wants to quickly disappear into his flat before Cedric can hear Jude’s voice.

‘No, not much actually, I’ll catch you later ya, bye.’

Jude looks down, salutes him and unlocks the door to his flat. Clyde slowly opens the safety door to his house and slips inside.

When he leaves his shoes on the floor, Cedric’s voice reaches him from the kitchen ‘You know they check these basic manners in interviews nowadays. Keep your shoes up. What’s the shoe stand for? My head?’

Clyde takes a deep breath and lifts his shoes to place them on the shoe rack.

‘You know we have called Matilda Aunty for dinner, na. Where did you go? Come help Mummy in the kitchen. Useless bugger. I can smell the smoke until here. Kaamchor Number One. Learn something from Jude. Bank job and your age only,’ Cedric adds.

At 8pm, the bell rings, Clyde is watching a Baam fish village recipe video on YouTube having heard about the fish from Mary, his mother. Cedric kicks his thigh on the divan, ‘Go open the door, do some work. It’s easy to watch cooking videos. Who’ll make? The fish will come walking to you from the water or what?’

Clyde opens the door, smiling at his Aunty Matilda and her two young daughters.

‘Oh my God Clydee, You’re so thin, I can see your ribs. Mummy not feeding you?’ She looks over at Mary, who just smiles back. His mother’s silence and father’s taunts often made him wonder if he was adopted. Matilda kisses his cheeks, feeling his ribs at the same time. He backs off slightly. Once they sit down, he escapes to the kitchen, awaiting his signal to get them Tang, and fried chicken legs. His ears are perked for any sound of his name. He can hear Cedric’s complaints about how difficult it is to smoothly transition to life in India. His aunty agrees, she says her husband dreads returning to India as he is used to living by himself in the Gulf. And that she would never think of living there, ‘Gulf is dead.’

‘Yes, the situation is worse now. But tell Ronnie to not leave ha. Stay as much as he can. Education in Bombay has become so expensive,’ Cedric adds and then pauses before saying, ‘If we were in the US or Canada, we would have got citizenship by now. What did we get?’

Cedric’s voice sounds like a drilling machine to Clyde after a while. His stomach starts grumbling, he looks at the chicken drumsticks in front of him. He picks a slightly thin leg at first, but when he brings it closer to his mouth, he changes his mind. The host should get the biggest piece for all the preparation. Didn’t he help his mother to clean the chicken and apply salt? That should count for something. Chicken was a regular on their menu in Bahrain but now it was kept for alternate Sundays. Alternate! He would definitely not have it the next week. He lifts the biggest piece and takes a big bite of the leg, he quickly makes his way to the bone, and chews the soft kneecap when he receives a hard blow on his head.

‘Ye rascal, this is for them. They are come after so long. You want them to go back hungry?’ Cedric glares at him, spittle leaving his mouth like venom. ‘Get a job and eat how much ever chicken, mutton, dukor you want,’ he adds and takes the plate outside.

Clyde looks at the chicken bone in his hand. His father had interrupted the most enjoyable part of eating the chicken. The bone. He flings the remainder of the bone into the dustbin and goes out into the living room. The moment his aunty spots him, she asks, ‘So Clyde, what are you doing now? Why you left Bahrain? You had a good job na. Now it’s very difficult to find a job in the pandemic.’

‘I’m searching, Aunty. There are some good offers,’ he says, hoping that would shut her up.

‘When are you getting married?’ she asks, her eyebrows raised mischievously.

His father snorts. A little snot leaves his nose for a brief second before going back into hiding. This makes Clyde think of a turtle retreating into its shell, he suppresses a smile.

‘Which girl will marry him? Without any job? Yea he is searching every day! For his underwear, banian, shorts,’ Cedric’s pitch rises, ‘Mummy, where’s my underwear? Mummy, where’s my banian? Mummy, where’s my shorts? Can’t do one thing by himself. Yesterday, he was inside the bathroom and he’s asking for soap. Imagine! Thirty year old, grown up MAN, asking for soap from his mummy!’

The two young girls start laughing at this. Clyde feels his face heat up. He wishes he were a turtle at this moment.

‘Arey na na our Clyde is so handsome like his father only. He will find, but Mary has to be strict. Too much she pampers him I know,’ Matilda looks at Mary, wagging her index finger playfully. Clyde wonders when his mother will learn to speak up to her in-laws.

Pointing at Mary with a chicken leg, Cedric says, ‘He’s her miracle. She treats him like God. Daughters are much better nowadays,’ Cedric says, looking at the girls. He stuffs the leg into his mouth, punctuating this thought. He then adds with his mouthful, ‘Boys you know na, they get carried away with freedom. That’s why I didn’t let him stay there without us. One good thing after coming here is, he attends mass every week!’

‘It’s online na,’ Matilda comments.

‘Yea that only. Now, he can’t escape. In Bahrain, he would escape every mass I tell you. Every mass. Something or another, one day he had urinary infection, one day he had homework, one day he had a headache. What a devil.’ A small chicken piece flies out of his mouth and lands on Clyde’s leg.

‘I told him nothing will be possible without Jesus, I told him. Job. finding a girl… But Jesus has also said you do your best I’ll do the rest, Where he’s doing his best? Girls nowadays demand a lot. Bank balance. Car. Good job. House,’ Cedric continues.

Mary pushes the plate of chicken towards the young girls. They happily pick a leg each.

‘Yea give them more while they laugh at me,’ Clyde wants to tell Mary.

He stares at his cousins. They are staring back at him as they chew the chicken. He asks them what they are watching these days, hoping that conversation with them will distract the elders too. The younger one says ‘I watched Monsters’, the older one says she is into books and that tv is for people with no brain.

Clyde laughs at this, he is at a loss for words so he excuses himself. He sneaks in a Kingfisher can from the fridge on his way to the bedroom along with some chivda. He quietly closes the bedroom door and makes himself comfortable on the bed, propping his father’s pillow behind him for support. While he sips the beer, he thinks about Jude and what he must be doing on his weekends. He has seen a girl come to his flat once or twice. He wonders if she’s his steady girlfriend. He remembers her way of tying her hair, with a small bun on the top of her head and her jeans so low, you could definitely see her butt crack if she bent a little. Maybe ass guy after all, her breasts were normal, small. He wonders how they would feel in his hands, when his youngest cousin opens the bedroom door.

He chokes on his beer, and coughs. He keeps the half-empty can by the corner of the bed. He welcomes the girl and asks her to sit with him on the bed. He downloads a doll dress up game on his phone to keep her occupied. The girl, bored after a while, swipes the photos of his gallery and when she stops by his photo with Janice, she says, ‘Who is she? Very pretty. Like a doll.’

Dinner is gizzard curry, pulao and salad. The girls refuse to eat gizzard. Cedric looks at Mary, ‘See I told you, kids don’t eat all this.’

Mary ends up apologising profusely telling them she can make a good omelette. They say they don’t eat egg either. Clyde stands up and says he will make Maggi for them. The girls jump in joy.

‘Junk food,’ Cedric says, taking a swig from his beer. The girls look at their mother, with hope in their eyes. She reluctantly agrees after giving a earful to Mary about the kids not eating much the whole day and how they ‘really’ looked forward to dinner. Clyde ends up making Maggi for himself too. He spreads a chattai on the bedroom floor and then sets the bowls on them. He sits down, keeping the girls company while the elders eat and watch the latest episode of Crime Patrol in the living room.

Matilda and her daughters leave by 11pm. Clyde washes the dishes and when he returns to the bedroom, he collapses on the bed and falls asleep. He dreams he is at DMart, he is greeted by two women at the entrance. One of them seems to be Janice, the other one, Jude’s girlfriend. They make him step into a sack and tie a cable tie around his waist. They are wearing tight uniforms that stick to their body, highlighting their curves. He hops his way to the door. He finds himself in a big football field. There’s a huge queue ahead of him. Someone ahead of him tells him there are two ways to get citizenship, the art test and the football test. All of a sudden, the queue vanishes, it’s Clyde’s turn. Jude sits at a table in the middle of the field. Beside him, stands Clyde’s father who says, ‘No way he will get in! He’s useless!’

He wakes up to a hard kick on his thigh. ‘Why did you take my beer, you idiot?

‘It’s okay. He only drank one,’ Mary says softly, and takes the can into the kitchen.

‘Only one! That was mine! He is not allowed to drink in my house. Let him earn and drink wherever he wants. What he does all day? You give him money right?’ Cedric’s eyes are popping. ‘Do I look like a beer factory to you?’ he comes closer to Clyde’s face.

Clyde, irritated at being woken up suddenly, says, ‘Ya, see your stomach’ and belches.

Cedric’s hand shoots up in a motion to slap Clyde but he misses his face by an inch. Mary pulls Cedric by his arm, escorting him to the living room. ‘Go go pamper him, see how he’s treating his retired parents. Even now you wash his underwear,’ Cedric says, surrendering to his wife’s strong grip.

Mary goes to the bedroom and closes the door behind her, ‘Baba, I told you, na, don’t back answer when Dada is drunk.’

‘Mama I can’t have beer one time? Will I come on Crime Patrol for drinking once? Why are you so quiet always? Can’t you take my side? Even when Matilda Aunty was talking all nonsense.’

She kisses him on his forehead, ‘Why don’t you start looking for jobs? You might get something good. My raja beta is good at sales.’

‘Oh c’mon ma, I told you I need time to think. I will get a brilliant idea, but not when this old man is alive.’

‘Shee, dont say that. He worked so hard for you, so many years.

‘Listen, did you notice Matilda’s sleeve? It was torn!’ Mother and son end up bitching about Matilda and the rest of their family. Clyde knows that no one understands him the way his mother does. Not even Janice. He pulls Mary close, resting his face in her neck and they sit that way for as long as they can. Mary pulls a picture, of Mother Mary holding infant Jesus, from underneath her pillow and says, ‘Keep this with you. Every time. Mama Mary will be with you.’

At around 1pm, Mary slowly opens the bedroom door, to see if Cedric is pacing or if he’s seated. She looks back at Clyde and signals him to follow her into the living room quietly. She gently nudges Cedric, who is dozing on the divan.

Cedric goes inside the bedroom, ushered by Mary. ‘Tomorrow morning mass, don’t forget.’ She whispers to Clyde before closing the bedroom door.

Clyde lies down on the divan, and falls asleep instantly, thinking about how he had his own room in Bahrain, even though it was a rented space, it felt like his own. He hopes the dream won’t continue. He finds himself at DMart again. To his satisfaction, this time the DMart employee puts a bag on his head and ties it with a cable tie before going down on him.

He remembers the dream vividly when he wakes up the next day to the voice of his father, ‘We have to make breakfast for this thirty year old idiot. At least Sunday he must think, let me make something for parents, no way. Better he would have stayed there only. What he’s doing here whole day?’

Clyde opens one eye, and when he sees the coast clear, he rushes to the toilet. His father knocks the door after what feels like 2 seconds, ‘Hello! Get out! Don’t dream inside. You think it’s your toilet or what?’

Clyde ignores him and retrieves his phone from his underwear to check his Whatsapp. Derek’s message pops up.

‘Hey, u free 2day? Y u nt replying? M at wrk bt I can talk at lunch. Hw’s the new job?’

‘Wrking 2day also man, srry. 2mch wrk bt it’s nice,’ he replies to Derek.

He adds, ‘So r u going out wid Janice?’ and then backspaces.

‘Which company? I don’t rem,’ Derek’s reply appears.

‘Bloody bastard, why do you care?’ murmurs Clyde and types, ‘‘It’s vry old. Near Marine Drive.’

‘Oh lucky bastard! Hw do u go? Trains r open kya?’

‘No, company car. Hv 2 go nw k. Il msg wen I get free,’ Clyde replies and flushes in reflex, as if flushing the thought of Janice and Derek away.

He gets out, forgetting to keep his phone back in his underwear.

‘You took your phone na? What nonsense are you doing with that phone let me see?’ Cedric catches him at the door.

‘No Dada! Wait.’

His father reads the chat, ‘Very nice, Mary see? He’s telling Derek that he has a job!’ He lifts his chappal and hits Clyde until Mary intervenes.

‘Stop it, leave him. He’s thirty!’

‘Thirty, my foot! Now let’s listen to mass, at least that he can do.’

‘But breakfa…’ Clyde protests, hearing his stomach grumble

‘Shut up and sit!’

The family settles in front of the tv to watch the mass. Clyde doesn’t pay attention to a word, he’s thinking of Derek and Janice but a couple of lines from the reading stand out to him. After the mass, Mary brings dosa and chutney and tells him to have it. Clyde looks at his father in his eye and says, ‘No I don’t want to. I don’t want to eat in this house anymore,’ he clenches his fists, hoping his act will get through to his parents but the sound of his stomach grumbling reminds him to not take it too far. If there’s one thing he can’t stay without, it’s food.

He gets up dramatically and says, ‘I’m going out’. Mary stops him just before he goes out, Clyde suppresses his smile, he knew she wouldn’t let him leave without eating. But she gives him a cloth bag instead and requests him to buy tomatoes, onion and lemons from the nearby vegetable shop saying they have exhausted their stock. He leaves his house, fuming, and heads towards McDonald’s. Only when he’s done with the burger and burps loudly, scaring the crow beside him, does he remember he needs to buy the veggies. He is out of money but he goes to the vegetable shop anyway. When he finds it closed, he shrugs and returns home.

When Cedric finds the empty cloth bag and no money on Clyde, he grabs a thick cloth hanger within his reach and flings it at Clyde. The hanger finds a spot on Clyde’s eyebrow. Blood gushes out of the wound, angrily. Clyde is blinded by an image of Jesus, bleeding from his head because of the crown of thorns, and at his feet is Mama Mary, crying.

Mary hasn’t woken up on time. Cedric argues that Clyde has finished all the toothpaste, Clyde flings his toothbrush at his father and goes to the bedroom to sit on the bed when he notices Mary is still sleeping. When he tries to wake her up, she doesn’t move. Cedric calls Jude, who comes out in his towel, water dripping from his body. When Jude looks at Mary, Clyde realises his mother is wearing a flimsy maxi with no bra beneath. He feels protective all of a sudden, and puts a towel on her chest. Someone calls out from the doorway, it’s the girl Clyde had seen with Jude one earlier occasions. She is wearing a kurti and jeans. Irritated that she’s fully dressed, he bangs the door on her face. Later, when a doctor from the building confirms that it’s a heart attack, Cedric says, ‘You killed your mother,’ to no one in particular.

Clyde clutches Mother Mary’s photo in his fist tightly. He hears whispers from two middle aged ladies ‘Do you know what happened suddenly?’

‘Heart attack na. I heard she was very stressed out after coming back.’ Wince. ‘She was very worried about Clyde, and what he would do. So much they used to fight. She was crying to me one day.’

Clyde clutches the photo tighter.

‘You know she told me she was not getting a baby. She used to fast and pray to Velankani mai for a boy.’

‘I heard she used to wash the toilets in the Sheikhs…’

‘SHUT UP YOU BLOODY OLD BITCHES! MY MOTHER WAS NOT A MAID! GET OUT GET OUT YOU LOSERS!’

At this, Cedric gets up from his place and hits Clyde with his chappal, ‘At least respect your mother’s dead body you shameless creature. You get out of the house! You are thirty and still stuck at home. Get out!’

Clyde’ ears ring.

He stuffs Mother Mary’s photo in his pocket and leaves his parents’ flat. He keeps walking towards the highway when his phone vibrates, Jude has sent an article link. Curious, he clicks on it. He reads it and gathers that a powerful man with a big following has vowed to not eat anything until his demands are met that Muslims and Christians be stripped of their citizenship. The man looked about his father’s age. He looked like someone who had given up all material possession in the pursuit of God. Clyde has always admired people who manage to devote themselves to a cause completely. He wishes he felt that strongly about something. He remembers the lines from a Sunday reading, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. No one who has left home or brothers… for me will fail to receive a hundred times as much…

But when he rereads the article, he feels hurt, unable to understand that he isn’t wanted in his own country. The Arabs didn’t want him there forever and now he isn’t wanted in India. Could he speak to the man and change his mind? Could he convince him that he belongs here? But that could get him killed! He could be stereotyped as a religious fanatic like John Chau.

Or could he instead learn from the man? From his willpower to not eat? It must be really difficult to give up everything and then even fast! Maybe meeting the man would change things for Clyde. His mother would have wanted that for him. He switches off his phone, happy that he has something to look forward to. A sense of direction.