ISSUE 51

There was no good way to get over grief.

Anju said, ‘Try Bumble. If you feel off, don’t swipe right. If you feel off after swiping right and making a match, don’t say hi. In 24 hours, the man will disappear. It’s in your hands. The power is with you. Reclaim your power, woman.’

Sujata winced.

‘Suju! What now?’

‘You know, it’s just that Adi always said, ‘woman this, woman that ’ to me. I didn’t even remember it, honestly, till now.’

‘Suju, Adi’s been gone nearly two years. Why are you acting like a sativrata? Wait, is it pativrata?’

‘Neither. We weren’t even married. You know that’s why…’

‘Babe, get on Bumble. This is not good. You will be forty-one soon and think of the clock.’

Sujata thought of the clock. She got on Bumble.

Sharan was short with a medium build. Not like Adi. He had travelled five countries. He liked long drives and old Bollywood music. He preferred coffee over tea. He loved his mom. The last one was alarming but she felt it was good to know what’s what right off.

They decided to call each other. He suggested it.

‘Sujata, is such a romantic name. Beautiful. Like Premalata.’

‘Thank you. What do you do, Sharan? ’ she said, wanting to kick herself for being boring.

‘Usual IT. I just got back to Bangalore after twelve years in the States. Can’t do the US, man.’

‘I guess, welcome back?’

He had laughed. ’Hey, I like the vibe, what say, let’s do a video call, alva?’

‘Umm. Sure. Give me two minutes.’

‘Sure.’

In two minutes, she tidied up her dining table, adjusted the lights, reapplied lip balm, smoothed her hair. She really needed a glass of water but she had forgotten to fill the Drink More bottle in the morning. And he called.

He had a sweet smile.

She tried to mirror him.

‘Wow, you really are a Bong beauty, no?’

‘Bong? No. I am a Tamilian actually.’

‘Even better. I am from Karkala, you know. It ’s a small town near Udupi.’

‘Yes, it’s picturesque. I have been there.’

‘Hmmm. Okay. So, I just want to be straight forward. I hope that’s fine. I am not looking to get married. I tried that once. She was good only but also terrible, you know. She didn’t get along with my mother. Anyway, I am new in Bangalore and I wanted to make new friends. That’s my deal. Do you live alone? What are you looking for?’

She looked around her two BHK. It was charming, with lots of Insta-worthy corners, a sweet home. ‘Yes, I do live alone.’

‘That’s great, my mother keeps visiting. I don’t complain because I get the best masala dosa, you know? But sometimes it ’s a pain because I can ’t bring girls home. Do you know Kannada? No problem, I will teach you. O shoot. Getting a call. Call you back, okay na?’

She could barely catch her breath. He hadn’t heard anything about her. She didn’t try to volunteer any information either. She put the phone away and put the kettle on boil to make soothing peppermint tea. Sipping it, she thought she didn’t want marriage either. Biological clock. Who cares about that! She just wanted an experience outside of Adi. Adi was still the gold standard of boyfriend material, roommate material, husband material, and when they had briefly discussed it, father material too. And Adi passed away during COVID. She had not been with anyone since. She didn ’t want to remember Adi as a gold standard anymore.

No ONS. She figured it was One Night Stands. Nearly every guy on Bumble said he didn’t want ONSs. So obviously asking for that would mean rejection, right? Despite herself, she laughed.

Reclaiming power. Overcoming grief. That’s what she wanted from Bumble.

Adi’s mom still sent her chilli pickle dutifully in the summer. It had been his favourite. She ate it with her meals thinking of Adi. But she couldn ’t think of the fights, the cracks in the relationship. It felt disloyal. She felt like a young widow.

She had lost her parents years ago, while still in college, in a freak bike accident. She barely got to know them as people. ‘Spot le satthu poita, rendu perun. ‘That line from a relative stayed with her and became the epithet to her memory of her parents: They died on the spot together. Her older brother sent her money periodically and methodically but he had no bond with her. He spoke more to Adi about investments than he did to her. But he was the reason she had her two BHK in Banaswadi, bought when it was still possible. Her own money. She was still paying back the home loan with State Bank of India. But it was hers.

She had moved in after Adi died so it was bereft of Adi ’s memories. It was a new place, even though their pictures together still hung around the home. After Adi, Kartik had told her on the phone because it was still the second wave lockdown, ‘Paathuko.’‘Take care’ or ‘Watch out ’ depending on who did the translation.

She had watched out. She saw a grief counsellor. She refused to be terrified of COVID.

She decided to move houses. She left their comfortable Puravankara flat in HSR layout and moved to Banaswadi. Adi would have hated it. She hated not having Adi. So that evened things out.

When it all ended, she had travelled alone to the west coast, seeing Mangalore, Udupi, Karkala, Murudeshwara, Karwar, Gokarna. She wanted the sea. Adi was always an oasis in a desert. She craved the salty barrenness of sea without him. She couldn’t even get to say bye to Adi. Once the result came positive, his father pulled strings from Jaipur, and he was in the ICU at Columbia Asia. Then he was gone.

Work became even more unreal after that, so she threw herself into it. None of the old office politics, inefficient staff, commute when it started twice a week again bothered her anymore. She was a highly skilled android at work.

‘It’s called high-functioning depression or burnout – I sense them in you, ’ the counsellor said prompting the coastal trip. But the trip offered no new insight nor healing.

By mistake, she shared this with Anju who had made it a point to visit her once a week. ‘Suju, you need sex. You have to be shaken out.’

So, Sharan would be candidate Shaker Out.

‘Awake?’ He texted at 10.46 pm. Not too late to be seedy but not early either.

‘Yes, I was thinking about you, actually. Do you want to visit?’ This was bold but she felt one didn’t get any power back being meek.

He didn ’t miss a beat. ‘Not tonight, babe. I still have calls in an hour. How about drinks and dinner tomorrow? Okay, na? It’s a Friday night. I will get time to dress up to see the beautiful Sujata.’

She, surprised, laughed, feeling pleased, and a frisson of excitement she hadn’t felt in a while passed over her. That night she slept with a smile on her face for the first time since moving in, since Adi.

When they met, it was easy. She wore a simple, white A-line dress she had gotten off Myntra, paired with a muted brown lipstick, kajal on her eyes, and a nude, flat sandal. She wore a thin gold chain with a star pendant falling into her non-existent cleavage. He was in jeans and a plain black t-shirt with black loafers. He wore two gold rings on his fingers – the yellow sapphire on his right index finger, and a thin, understated wedding band on his middle finger. They met at Little Italy in Kalyan Nagar. To all appearances, it looked more like an Andhra restaurant than an Italian one. They had a glass of red wine each, antipasti was bruschetta, main course was the spaghetti aglio e olio, topped off with some tiramisu for dessert. Through it all, he shared stories of his marriage, travels, and parents with great enthusiasm and openness. She even laughed a few times. He told her about some of the weird girls he met through Bumble.  ‘She wanted me to meet her at a Biergarten so she could spy on her ex. Hygiene is not to be compromised she wrote – why do they write that; I mean, obvious alva? And there she was. I swear she hadn’t washed her hair in months. I could smell her from across the table. Then she ended up fighting with her ex. I left. Bumble has never worked out. Enough about me. Tell me your story. ’

‘I don’t have much to say. Adi, my partner, well, we were together for nearly a decade. He passed away during the second wave. If COVID hadn’t happened, we would have been married for four years now. They wanted a big Rajasthani wedding in Jaipur. So, we pushed it till… And then he got COVID. He was in the hospital for a week and he died. I, I actually didn’t even get to see him. So…’

‘Wow. I am so sorry for your loss. Are you over him?’

‘I mean, I am ready to move on, if that’s what you are asking.’

‘Yes, see, I don’t do one-night stands. But I don’t want marriage, you know.’

‘That’s fine. Adi was the one keen on getting married. I haven’t really felt like I need to be married.’

‘Great. So, Sujata, can I call you Suju? May I hold your hand?’

She laughed and let her palm rest in his hands. She felt no excitement, nothing. He held her hand all through dinner. After the main course, he started talking about sex.

‘You know I went to a nude party in the US. It was initially shocking. Seeing so many bodies. They were drinking beer, grilling meat, no clothes, okay na, and bodies of all sizes and shapes.’

‘Nice.’

‘What, Suju, aren ’t you shocked?’

‘About?’

‘Wow, you are a cool one. Anyway, the people were so nice. In an hour, I stripped, and hung around them drinking beer – my dick completely engorged.’

‘Good for you.’

‘It was the best thing to happen to me. I stopped being conscious of my body. Now I am free.’

‘Well, I am a bit too skinny, I am told, but it ’s never bothered me.’

‘You are not skinny. You are lean and beautiful. May I kiss your hand?’

This was the consent they talked about; Sujata smirked. It was pleasant but hardly passionate. With Adi and her, they had both known exactly what to do with and for each other.

As Sharan pulled up their linked hands to kiss hers, she tried to feel some excitement. His lips were chapped and even lined with the olive oil from the spaghetti, she could feel the scaly texture of his lips on her hand. He hadn ’t even turned to kiss her palm. She sighed. And he smiled smugly at that.

He dropped her home still holding her hand. ‘I had a lovely time. You are such a good conversationalist; I definitely want to meet you again and talk more deeply.’

‘Thank you. I had a good time too.’

He gave one final kiss to her hand – the hug was her idea – and left.

She had barely spoken. Don’t nitpick. Don’t compare. Just go with the flow she told herself. But how does one sleep with someone when one can’t even tell if there’s chemistry?

The next day, she asked him in for dinner. He agreed.

She cleaned up the already clean apartment. She lit Nag Champa incense at her candle corner and a long-fluted jasmine candle. She dressed simply in a flowy, silk kaftan in maroon ajrakh prints. She looked at herself in the mirror. She did her eyes in kohl but wore only the chapstick on her lips. She had filled out some after turning 40, that was for sure. Even so, she still looked slim. Her neck was her best feature. It was long and slender and the bones jutted out made her look vulnerable and sexy at the same time. She tied her hair up in a loose knot to showcase her neck better. Her breasts had filled out but they were still nowhere close to being voluptuous. She was tall for an Indian woman at 5’6’’. Being slender, she looked taller. All in all, for a 40-year-old, she looked good. Satisfied, she fiddled with her Bluetooth player and phone, and chose Sufi songs on very low volume. Today, she would try to feel good too.

He arrived dressed in a beige shirt. ‘See, I wore cream. You said you liked it, alva?’

‘This is beige. Thank you for wearing it. Why grey pants, though? ’ she smiled.

‘Oho. We are only eating at home, alva? Who will see? But next time, I will ask you what colour matches with what, okay na? Here, take this. I got you something.’

He held out two small bars of Dairy Milk chocolate. Not Bournville, not Fruit and Nut, just Dairy Milk milk chocolate.

‘O thank you. I don’t like chocolates.’

‘It’s melting. We have to put it in the fridge ’

She looked at his back as he put the chocolate in the fridge. Who bought Dairy Milk on a date as a forty-year-old? Don’t nitpick. Be nice. The voice in her head cautioned.

He turned back smiling at her. ‘I love what you are wearing. Nighties are so hot.’

‘Thank you. This is actually a kaftan.’

‘You look so nice; I want to kiss you.’

And there it was. She would know for sure what this was then. His lips were not chapped today. Thank God. He quickly touched his lips with hers. A second. Then he was smiling at her. ‘We are almost the same height.’

‘Didn’t you say 5’10’’ in the bio?’

‘I just added a few inches, you know. Nice place. Do you rent it?’

‘Would you like a beer? Or wine? I can make filter coffee too.’

‘Filter coffee.’

‘I bought this apartment a few years ago. Been here since then. I like looking at the trees.’

‘Nice. Nice. ’He walked around the house, reading the titles of books, seeing pictures. ‘That Arun?’

‘Who Arun? O you mean, Adi? Yes, that ’s him.’

‘Handsome guy. Nice and tall.’

‘He was six foot one.’

‘Nice. Nice.’

She boiled the milk in her L-shaped kitchen as he continued to look around her apartment. She felt unreasonably angry as she poured the decoction into the hot milk and switched off the stove. This guy was an ass. He was too ordinary, too full of himself. I don ’t like him, she realised. She breathed in. She told herself she didn ’t have to like him. She was old enough. She needed to do this for her sanity. She needed to sleep with someone before she was never able to allow physical intimacy with anyone. She had to stop mourning Adi, putting him on a pedestal. She needed to move on with her life. With new determination, she took out cookies and chakli from the tin boxes in her pantry shelf and arranged them on a plate crested with roses. She peeked at him. He was fiddling with the blue pottery vases in the open dining room. It would be fine. Of course, he wouldn’t stay for dinner. After sex, he would leave. She was sure of it.

‘So, I thought I will stay over tonight, okay na?’

‘Stay over? ’ her eyes widened.

‘Kidding kidding. Next time, okay na? ’ He laughed.

‘Sure, next time. ’ She smiled and bit her lip.

‘Man, that ’s so hot. Come here. Give me the coffee. ’ He reached over and sipped it.

‘Not bad, I like mine with more sugar, ashte. Wait, I ’ll go get it.’

While he rummaged in the kitchen, she moved to the bedroom fussing over the curtains at the window. She had forgotten to draw them. No one could see in, but still.

‘Wow, nice bed, ’ he said, claiming her side.

She still slept on the left side of the queen bed even though there was no Adi to claim the right.

Now, she moved around to Adi ’s side and sighed. ‘Where’s the coffee?’

‘In your sink. I finished it. I like it hot, ’ he said and winked, ‘Come here. Let me kiss you properly, ’ he moved towards her.

She turned and stared at him. He propped himself up and smiled. ‘You are really beautiful, you know? Your skin is so lovely. ’

She pulled his head down and kissed him. His mouth tasted of coffee and smelt of something else. Had he not bothered to brush his teeth before coming here? She pulled away.

‘Wow, nice, ya. Come here. ’And he pulled her back into a kiss.

He completely ignored her neck. Her loose knot came undone and she pulled back to set her hair properly on the bed lest he pulled at it. He pulled at it. ‘Remove this, no, he said, pulling up her kaftan all the way to her knees. ’She removed it and lay down with her teal bra and matching panties. He grabbed her breast and began kissing her over the bra. It felt different but good. And she was happy to no longer kiss his mouth. This was fine. She didn’t have to taste that breath of his. She made to remove his shirt. He pulled it over him like it was a t-shirt. And went to work on her breasts again. He tried to unhook her bra and failed. ‘Do this, no? ’he murmured.

She unhooked her bra for him and watched him suck her nipple. ‘I should give equal time to both; I am that kind of a man, ’he said. She didn’t respond.

She tried a moan. She felt she was good at faking it. She enjoyed that so she moaned louder. This was how she was going to play this, she decided. She would do what made her happy and felt good to her.

‘Will you go down on me? ’ she asked.

He stopped sucking her right nipple and looked at her. He clearly didn ’t want to. So, she had to make him. ‘No, it’s perfectly ok if you don’t want to, ’she said.

‘Your house, your rules, aa? Okay. ’He said slithering down her and removing her panties along the way.

She had trimmed herself. She knew the fuzz was soft and clean. She felt comfortable stretching out and letting him get wider access. This was how sex was supposed to be when you just had sex for the heck of it, she thought, smiling. He proved to be quite talented at teasing and sucking her down there but she knew he would never be able to make her cum this way. She moaned and guided his face to her clit where he just tried to lick it delicately. It didn’t do much for her. Sighing she reached out and pulled him up. He moved in for a kiss again. She could taste herself in his mouth but his stink overpowered everything else. She moved her hand lower to feel him. He reached down to remove his pants. He wore boxer shorts underneath in penguin prints. It was the most incongruous thing she’d seen and she laughed. He thought she was enjoying herself, and pleased, he guided her hand to his dick, while pulling down his shorts.

‘O God. What is that smell?’ she gasped involuntarily.

It was his dick. She immediately pulled her hand away and made a fist.

‘I ’m sorry I cannot go down on you when you smell like this.’ she heard herself say in shock as she glared at him.

He looked embarrassed.

‘Do you have a condom?’ she asked.

‘Yes, I do,’ he replied in relief. ‘Shall I go shower? ’ he asked.

She was furious. ‘Why didn’t you shower at home? ’

‘I will next time, okay na? ’ he said.

They both stared at his shrivelling dick.

‘Wear the condom,’ she said with authority. She felt stronger with each word that she uttered. She was elated at this new person she was becoming. This would work for her.

‘Can you stroke me at least?’

‘No, do it yourself. Do you want to watch me cum?’ she asked. Without waiting for an answer, she reached out to her bedside drawer and pulled out her faithful bunny, gifted to her by Adi on his first trip to the US.

‘Watch this, and remember,’ she said firmly setting up the control. Within minutes, she was moaning and thrashing. He sucked her breasts, kissing her neck, driven by all that she was doing to herself. He was turgid again and so he quickly slipped on the condom and waited for her to finish. He had no words anymore. No okay na, no assertion, and no talking at one stretch. He was all about her now.

After she came, she lay still with her eyes closed. He was stroking her sides and nuzzling her arm. She pulled her arm away, put her rabbit on the bedside table and turned to him, ‘Do you want to fuck? ’

Mute, he waited to follow her lead. She turned to him, crinkling her nose at the smell from his armpits and motioned for him to enter her.

When he did so, it hurt. She winced, asking him to wait, as her body adjusted to this long-forgotten sensation again. He dared not breathe as he stared at her sharp eyes boring angrily into him.

‘Now,’ she said.

And he led.

But it was she who set the pace.

‘Shall we change positions?’ he ventured meekly when he tired.

‘Absolutely not,’ she replied. ‘You cum if you are ready. This won’t make me cum.’

He thrust deep and hard hoping he could prove her wrong but she didn ’t cum. He was close and he shuddered to a stop. He rolled away knowing he wouldn ’t be welcome on her for a second longer.

‘I ’m going for a shower,’ she said, getting off from under him at the same time. ‘You stay here.’

‘Umm, the condom?’ he asked.

‘O yes, go throw it in the bathroom bin. Come out quickly, I need to shower and brush.’

He hurried to the bathroom with the condom pinched between his fingers.

‘Can I…? ’ he ventured softly.

‘Yes, pee, if you want, that ’s fine. I ’ll wait.’

He didn ’t shut the door and she could see him clearly from the bed. He let go and he looked at himself in the mirror.

She watched him idly. He looked just as he had, but something had shifted. He was not bad looking, she thought. He finally walked out. He hadn ’t flushed. She ran in as soon as he was out. The bathroom smelled fresh like pine trees and lemons. She inhaled deeply, pressing the flush and watching him in the mirror. He was staring at her. The sound of the flush echoed into the room and made him wince, breaking eye contact. She smirked, satisfied. She closed the bathroom door hard and locked it from within. She took her time peeing while brushing her teeth, and showered in scalding hot water to remove all traces of the man she had been with. She came out with a blue towel turbaned over her head and a bathrobe in matching blue.

He was quiet, fully dressed, and seated awkwardly on the bed.

‘Dinner?’ she asked.

‘No, actually, I think I will go home, okay na?’ he said quietly in a tone he hadn’t used earlier.

‘Good plan. Do that. ’ She said and smiled at him. ‘You are very quiet after.’

‘No, nothing like that, I am just in the zone,’ he lied.

‘Ah, zone. Ok. Enjoy then. Listen, next time, if there is to be a next time, please brush and shower.’‘

Yes, got it, ’ he replied.

‘And don ’t bring me gifts like chocolates.’

‘Sure,’ he said with a muscle throbbing in his left cheek. He forced himself to smile. ‘So, I guess…’

‘It ’s not a one-night stand, you know, ’ she said, ‘Unless you want it to be.’

‘No, I don’t do one-night stands. But we ’ll see how it goes.’ He hesitated. ‘I was…’

‘I am not interested in marriage at all. I am not interested in dating anyone either, ’ she said.‘

Got it. So, we ’ll see, I really will go now, okay na? ’ he said walking towards the front door.

‘Great. Good night, ’ she said, smiling at him sweetly.

He hesitated at the door after wearing his shoes. Finally, he reached out to hug her and kissed her forehead.

‘Aww, sweet,’ she said. ‘Good night then. Take care.’

‘You too. Bye, ’ he said heading towards the elevator.

‘Text me after you reach, okay na? ’ she called out in a sing-song voice at his retreating back.

‘Sure.’ His voice was muffled by the closing of the elevator doors.

She locked the front door and walked around the house, turning off the Sufi music on her phone, and picking up all the pictures she had of herself and Adi. She moved towards the guest bedroom, opened the cupboard, and stored all the frames there behind the spare bed linen and pillows.

She WhatsApped Adi ’s mom. ‘Mummyji, the pickle was great. I gave it all to my friend Anju, she loves it with parathas. Don ’t send me pickles anymore. Thank you. Take care.’

She thought of texting Anju but instead she put her phone on the study table after switching it off. She closed the door and went to sleep on the guest bed. She reached out and switched off the light, then moved to the centre of the queen size bed.